Wednesday, September 08, 2004

How to destroy someone's faith in politics (or Some Mouths are Better Left Shut)

I don't think we have ever had two worse candidates for the Presidency in the history of our nation. Sure, some of you may point to the classic 1856 Buchanan/Fremont/Fillmore campaign. But this is easily the most god-awful selection we have had since...well, the last election.

I think you can easily track this by their ability to talk. We have heard and/or read the historic Lincoln-Douglas debates, Teddy Roosevelt's Address at the Sorbonne, FDR's sterling oration, and the inspirational speeches of Kennedy and Reagan.

And now? Frankly, these two popsicle sticks couldn't join a high-school debate team.

First up, the challenger, John Kerry. Saddled with a somewhat-earned label of "flip-flopper", a man who sees four sides to every two-sided problem (as said by Will Saletan), comes up with this classic while eating at a PA restaurant:

"You know when they give you the menu, I'm always struggling, what do you want?"

And when we find out that the cook just gives him whatever he has happened to cook:

"...I think that's the way it ought to work for confused people like me who can't make up our minds what we're going to eat."

Sweet Sally Sunshine, are you f---ing kidding me? Are you intentionally trying to crash your campaign, John? People already have doubts about your ability to make a hard, fast decision, and you can't even decide what to eat for breakfast?

Here's a hint; just order god-damn eggs every time. Every restaurant serves them. It's a safe bet, and you'll look decisive.

And perhaps your media handlers should start earning their paycheck. Because so far, they're killing you.

But don't get to laughing too much, Bushies, because your boy has once again come up with a doozy.

As highlighted on Slate, good ol' W came up with this mangled phrase:

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."

"Practice their love"? What are they doing, auditioning for pornos? Field-testing Cialis? Seriously, George, take an ESL course or something. Or perhaps you should lay off the off-the-cuff speaking and stick to prepared texts only.

There you have it, folks. The candidates of the Big Two parties.

Are you ready for a viable third party yet?

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